And I’ve been in and out of the food and I’ve gained/ maintained weight. I was stressed because of real life issues so I didn’t keep up with a food plan and didn’t exercise frequently. But *we* know better than this. There’s no amount of stress, fatigue, real life problems, loved one’s ailments, our health problems, crazy work schedules, in-law and family problems, funerals, work issues, financial issues, childhood traumas, insecurity, etc to justify not working the steps and working a food plan and an exercise plan AND finally actually getting that sponsor!
I HAVE been going to lots of meetings (and my work/study/life schedule is fuller and more tiring than it has been in years). And they’ve afforded me the luxury of no longer enjoying not working my program. I abandoned my philosophical and psychological and ‘spiritual’ practices a decade or so ago and I’ve risen to 245ish pounds because of this. I have hands and limbs going numb. My cholesterol is most likely frightening. Do I really want to get stomach cancer or have a stroke? Do I enjoy looking like I’m 19 months pregnant? Do I like bumping into EVERYTHING because I still move like I’m 135 pounds? Am I sick of it? Well, yes, I’ve been sick of it for years. But angry and resentful and walking about with pity for myself. Boo hoo, me. Wah wah. I don’t know about YOU but when I hold in anger (to cover the pain) I take it out on myself by not taking care of myself and by “comforting” myself with enough weight to kill me, it really sucks.
So I went to a meeting and SPOKE (a big book step study … literature based meeting) and I felt that natural euphoric high after a vocal realization about myself, my motives, and how fucking good I can be in life when I’m actually on the beam. And it’s stuck with me. So many things, people from the past, places, events, coincidences keep cropping up, leading me to the same thing. I want more of this.
I’ve been working out an hour or two every day. I’m dusting off the vegetable juicer. I’m going to call into the cea-how meeting tonight to hopefully hear somehow who clicks for me so I can get a goddamned food sponsor. I ALWAYS think I can do this on my own. I ALWAYS fail!
I had my aunt visit unexpectedly from 3000 miles away (I hadn’t seen her in 6 years)!!! She flew here to help my alcoholic aunt (her sister) who had a crying for help suicide episode last week. My aunt has been sober 4 years (amazing) and she said she wanted to focus on the food now. It was like YET ANOTHER MESSAGE sent to me- in front of my face, staying in my home, SHE has what I have, she’s reaching out, we want to help my other aunt, how can we do ANYTHING better if we aren’t sorting ourselves out WITH OUTSIDE help? We both put on weight, we both compromised our well being, we both are attending meetings and we want more now. The “okay” is not enough. We want fantastic. We want to at least try to reach our potential rather than doing nothing, be nothing. So what the hell more do I need? Another ten years of doing not enough, of not really trying?
Ok, unless everyone sounds insane or lives in Timbuktu on the phone bridge meeting, I’m going to fucking get a food sponsor to night if it kills me!
Yes! Woo hoo!
