the hit list

                              These are the cast of characters in my little blog world. 

                      The list will go on and be added to as time progresses I”m sure.

                                      

Hubby AKA the husband, is not easy to sum up. I have almost never really written about him online out of respect to his privacy and because he is so a part of my every day life for years I wrote about people on the fringes of my life or from the past. I tread lightly with him although I am tempted to vent about him when we fight. He is tall, he is very, very intelligent, he is street smart, he is sarcastic, he is amazing and infuriating. He is even more obsessed with travel than me, he hates his job but he is good at it but he’d rather be a professor or a lawyer or man of leisure, free to study ancient roman studies and early American political thought.

He is more complex and fascinating than I give him credit for in the more domestic moments of life. But I still have that professorial crush I had on him when we first met when I was 19 years old and he was nearly 40.  

He has a filthy sense of humor… just like me. My disorganization drives him crazy. We’re very romantic, affectionate, and sexless for way longer than I’d like to admit to because of our mutual weight gains + depressive backgrounds. He has a heart condition and has to take this horrible life-sucking medicine. We used to boink constantly for the first few years and hiked insanely high, rugged, mountain terrain every other weekend for years.

We’re both lively, sociable, funny and negative, cynical, depressive (i.e.; the crazy childhoods) some times. We’re both working on it. He likes to lecture me for hours (or try to) I like to tune him out (or try to). It’s almost like role reversal some times. Although he’s very much a man. He sends me enormous bouquets and vintage champagne on my birthday and on valentine’s day every year. We both go to the gym now all the time and that is helping both of us viscerally.

He doesn’t get my anglophilia and my appreciation of british humor and Mad Men and I don’t get his liking of the HBO series OZ or constant listening of old THE BAND cds. They’re very good, but come on. Not. Every. Day. Please. I do love his rare blues music collection, his smile, his deep voice, his green eyes and his kisses. He looks like a taller, pre-bloat Alec Baldwin. Yeah, really, women and men come up to him everywhere remarking on how much he looks like a somewhat younger, pre-bloat Baldwin, sounds exactly like him, especially on the phone.  

 

                   

S – all-day-long champagne sipping (never swilling, I do the swilling around these parts), lily pulitzer-wearing, south shore blonde uber mom. Usually pisses some one in the family off at every gathering by greeting male members with derogatory quips and female members with back handed compliments. Like/dislike relationship. Her daughter’s first words were, “Men are pigs.” I’m not joking.  Has four kids, one of which is four years younger than me. Funny, bitchy, self-entitled, sharp, a fellow anglophile, great house, good style, but indirect moodiness and constant jabs at my husband or hers put me over the edge some days. Don’t tell her with anything real or important about my life. Has been known to lie to cause trouble. Hasn’t come to terms with crap parents and her man hating tendencies. Some times she’s the coolest, funniest person in the room… other times, not so much. Her bitch factor has it’s ebbs and flows, lately there’s a rather large flow.

 

 

K – long suffering husband of S. Self-made multi-millionaire, super conservative republican, super Catholic, supports several members of his family financially (not us), sweet but distant side, hard to talk to, complains about S. when he’s had the second bottle of red wine for the night (on the weekends). A hard nut to crack, he’s whip smart and he’s lived at least two full lives already. Has puppy dog eyes. Totally dysfunctional marriage, they both bitch about each other constantly, they’ll be married forever I guarantee. 

E – Sweet, set in her ways, elderly, up for a laugh, fun, funny, worked very hard in her life, husband was a true war hero. Stubborn, set in her ways, in a major transition in life and it’s not comfortable for her. It wouldn’t be for anybody. We see her every week usually. I look forward to seeing her but as many old ladies do, she has a great affection for discussing in minute detail the inner and outer workings of her current ailment or body function. Fascinating.

             

D – Smarmy sense of humor, gutsy, great mother, stylish, we used to be closer before she developed a chronic illness and cloistered herself in her house. I am careful what I say to her, she and S. have constant power struggles and second hand battles and I am so not interested in any of it. They both spread inconsistencies. For years others have called her a spendthrift, I think her debt is in part due to some sort of compulsive spending but this is all second hand information. I know mostly it is due to the sub prime market (re-financing the house too many times) until they have been paying more into the house than it’s worth. A real sinking ship. She’s been through a lot in the last decade and she has a very sweet, vulnerable side to her.

                                        

J – Husband of D, very book smart, a bit fascinating to me, secretive, a great dad, diminished in his capacities as of late due to work stuff and cloistering himself away as well. Can be incredibly stubborn. Dry drunk aspects, although very subterranean. Helps people but not himself. It’s really too bad. There are a lot of secrets behind his eyes. He aint telling any of them. 

                                   

L – Strong willed, smart, extremely talented, vivacious, magnetic, tour de force, you don’t want to get on her bad side (we had a huge falling out for a year and a half once), can be emotional and sweet and also pedantic and controlling.  Literally the life of the party where ever she is. Self made small business owner. Amazing. She also pisses me off when she gets in her bitchy, bossy mode. Bi polar?

                                 

C – Smart, very New York, cool, funny, moody, great cook, stylish, interesting and sometimes scary, controlling and reckless. Captivating. I am careful with her because she is so unpredictable. Definite personality disorder, dissociative? Sister of L.

 

 

                                

Anaiis Flox AKA a.v. flox, met in 2000, 2001? She was a precocious teen, I was a college girl. I was addicted to her journal and completely skeptical. She had to making this up, right? Peru? Guam? Jetsetting cosmopolitan global broad who blogs? And that gorgeous? Puh-lease. But she convinced me. Years later she only gets better and more interesting. Her personal and professional writing is great and her life is fascinating. She also made me get a blog, to which I am eternally grateful (or resentful). Go read her @ omgomgomfg.com . 

 

                           

Hanne -  (Danish photographer friend) Amazing photographer, artist and woman.

                                    

Maman? I can’t sum her up in any simple capacity in a paragraph yet. I am not ready for that. Suffice to say she’s sprinkled in the blog. The moodier entries. We’ve been estranged for several years. Daddio? Haven’t seen him since I was a small child, don’t remember him much except as a handsome stranger, wanderer and all around grifter loser. 

                                   

What’s with the Rik Mayall bits in your blog? Because he’s a crush from the 1980s/1990s when I was a kid and he’s kind of my ideal man in that very British, very satirical, very goofy, usually funny, self absorbed, neurotic, bastardy way of most of his performances. See (P)Rick, Rick, Richie, and Alan B’Stard for more. And dare I say, Fred)?

                    

Work: I work with children. I love it. I know I seem like a head case in some of my entries but I never bring any of my “issues” with me into work. I have always had the ability of being a stupendous and responsible caretaker, especially in regards to infants and children, it’s taking care of myself that usually stumps me. I have impeccable references and employment history. I throw myself into my work and really put all of my positivity and innate goodness and stability into all my interactions at work. I am very patient with children. I understand them. It’s a wonderful experience. People wouldn’t even suspect me of being depressed or disorganized over periods of my life except for the weight. But I have seen how my codependency and fear of confrontation and feelings of unworthiness crop up in any uncomfortable interaction with employers or adults. So that’s why I am here to get better and become stronger again. I want a kit of tools to be able to call myself on my own b.s. and practice some mature right though right action in my life instead of just reacting mindlessly from a place of fear to any conflict or challenge I may face day to day.

I am also hoping to go beyond freelance photography work. I’m snapping away and studying and building a portfolio. I need to upgrade my equipment (expensive) so I may be working 52+ hours a week in the near future because of that and the American economy. 

Diary/Journal: I really have made sure that this journal stays anonymous because I’d like to write without fear of future employers or clients reading my thoughts here. I would also like the freedom to tell the truth as I see it, even if it’s my one sided, bitchfest view of the world or people. I love the major players in my journals even though my hit list is probably a catty version, a caricature of them as individuals. But I find this writing cathartic. I did title this truth AND fiction so perhaps the best way for me to really express myself is to mix a little bit of both, writing autobiographical fiction as it were. I have been hesitant to write much for fear of discovery but I have only given this url to a few people I trust and I used an anonymous email and user name not associated with any postings I have on the internet so I think I’ll be safe. I hope so.

 

 

                              

This list is not finished, more will be added as I blog.